Marriage Service... Dial One
A satirical dialogue between a young man and an expert regarding a telephone marriage service reveals the transformation of marriage into a business.
Translated by Qiyas from السياسة — Original source
The young man and the disabled man were walking together in the alleys of Diwaniyah, whispering. The older man noticed them murmuring and asked, “What’s going on, my sons? May God protect you from harm. Are you embarking on a project?”
The young man replied, “All is well, nothing serious. I intend to get married, but the costs are beyond my means.”
The disabled man laughed and said, “Oh uncle, you’re asking the barefoot man for shoes.”
The expert smiled and said, “My son, don’t overcomplicate it. The solution is simple: make a call to the Marriage Service hotline. You might find an affordable package that suits your budget.”
The young man took out his phone and dialed. A calm automated voice answered: “Welcome to the Marriage Service. This call is recorded to ensure service quality. For Arabic, press 1. For prepaid marriage packages, press 1. For installment-based marriage packages, press 2.”
The young man paused for a moment, then said, “Even marriage has become an invoice now?” The voice replied: “This service is currently unavailable. To remain on the waiting list, press 1!” The young man sighed and pressed the button. The voice returned: “Welcome to our marriage packages! To learn about the dowry and conditions, press 1. To learn the price of gold, press 2. For hall costs, decorations, and honeymoon expenses, press 3. For preparing the groom’s attire and accessories, press 4. For the buffet, main dishes, and traditional performances, press 5.”
The young man raised his eyebrow and said, “Next you’ll be charging fees for the first kiss.”
The expert said, “Take it easy, my son. These are just the basic services.”
The voice continued: “For the bounced checks service, with a sports car ahead of the wedding procession to block the street, press 6.” The young man shouted, “What kind of checks? What bounced checks? Even if they bounce, they’re still checks!”
The expert said, “Leave it, my son. That’s the ‘God Protect Us’ package.”
Then the voice returned: “For an Islamic marriage with an iron ring, press 7.” The older man interjected: “My son, if it’s come down to iron, at least it’s a ring that can be returned.”
The young man tried to return to the main menu but accidentally pressed the wrong button. The response came: “Congratulations. The Snake game has been downloaded for free. Thank you for using the Marriage Service.”
The voice restarted from the beginning: “Welcome to the Marriage Service. This call is recorded to ensure service quality.”
The young man shouted, “People, I want to get married, not buy a line from a telecommunications company!”
The older man smiled, poured him a cup of tea, and said, “My son, marriage used to unite two people. Today, it requires a national budget due to its numerous demands.”
The expert said, “Look, Hajj. The problem isn’t with marriage itself. The problem is that we’ve turned ‘Congratulations’ into ‘What’s the cost?’”
The older man placed the teacup on its saucer and said, “Remember, my son, if the wedding begins with a phone call, don’t be surprised if your life begins with the first installment payment.”
The disabled man laughed and said, “I’ve decided to postpone marriage. Not out of fear of responsibility, but I’m afraid my child will be born with a customer service number before a birth certificate.”
The wealthy man said, “Sorrow is my cousin’s son, poverty is my uncle’s son, and bad luck loves me more than my own parents.”
At that moment, the call to afternoon prayer rose, recited by Sheikh Zaghloul. The young man was staring at his phone, as if waiting for a final message saying: “Dear groom… Your application has been rejected due to insufficient balance.”
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O God, protect the Kingdom of Loyalty, its people, its land, its seas, and its skies from the evil of the envious.
A Kuwaiti writer
