'Zombies'... When a person who disappeared returns as if nothing happened?
Imagine someone who was part of your daily life—text messages, calls, attention, perhaps even promises and plans. Then, suddenly, without any warning, they disappear.
No argument, no goodbye, not even a sentence saying, “I no longer wish to continue.” And after you’ve moved past the stage of wondering what happened, after you had almost forgotten them, their name suddenly appears on your phone: “How are you?” As if nothing had happened!
This phenomenon is known as “zombieing.” The term itself derives from the concept of a zombie—a creature that returns from the dead. In romantic contexts, it refers to someone who disappears or goes “ghost” and then reappears later, contacting you as if the period of absence never occurred.
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But the crucial question remains: Why do they return? Not always because they finally realized you are the love of their life, nor because they discovered that your absence meant something to them.
Sometimes, the reasons are much simpler, and perhaps more selfish. Perhaps they were lonely, or perhaps another relationship didn’t work out, or maybe they felt bored, saw a photo of you on social media, or simply wanted to know if they could still reach you. And that is the problem.
We sometimes view their return the way we wish to see it, not the way it actually happened. We think, “Maybe they missed me,” “They must have realized my worth,” “Perhaps they regret it.” They may indeed regret it, but the act of returning alone is not sufficient evidence of that.
If they truly regret it, they will also take responsibility, apologize, explain what happened, and, most importantly, change their behavior. A “How are you?” message sent after months of disappearance is not an apology.
More intriguingly, their return can revive feelings we thought we had already overcome. A single message opens the door to many questions: Why did they disappear? Was it my fault? Did they think of me all this time? Should I give them another chance?
But perhaps the question we should ask is not: Why did they return? Instead, it should be: Does the way they returned warrant me opening the door to them? There is a significant difference between someone who comes back and says, “I shouldn’t have disappeared, and I know it hurt you,” and someone who utters a few words out of nowhere and expects you to forget everything and resume the relationship where it left off.
Healthy relationships are not built on cycles of presence and absence. Anyone who wants to be part of your life must understand that access to you is not an automatic privilege, regardless of how long they were gone. Yet, not everyone who returns should be rejected.
People can change; they can mature. They can make mistakes, but a second chance is not earned simply by returning. It is earned by the manner in which they return and the changes they demonstrate. Therefore, when you receive a sudden message from someone you haven’t heard from in months, do not jump to conclusions. Pause and ask yourself a simple question: Did they return because they truly want me, or did they return just to check if I am still available?
$ Certified life coach and consultant in personality and public relations
