Shadows... That Do Not Block the Light!
In almost every home, there is one of them: that person who stands between you and the world like a wall of flesh and blood, taking the blows on your behalf, answering questions before you are even asked, and solving your problems before you realize you have any. A father pays the bill for a mistake before his son knows he has erred, or a mother calls the school to fix what her little one has ruined, or an older brother stands up to anyone who approaches his siblings with a glance that needs no words. Or sometimes... despite their rarity, there is still a manager who keeps difficult problems for himself and distributes only easy tasks to his team! We love these people, we feel safe in their presence, and we wish everyone had one of them. The common image of them is that they are the most sacrificial of people, melting like candles to light the way for others, and burning like old firewood so that others may feel warmth. This image is largely true, but it hides an aspect that few wish to look at for too long!
One who lives permanently in the shadow does not learn how to walk in the sun. The child who has never been left to face an angry teacher grows up not knowing how to confront a manager. The person who was never allowed to lose a small amount in a naive adventure will never learn how to plan for significant business risks. The man whose mother stood between him and every difficulty, now forty years old and waiting for his wife to do the same, finds that protection without limits does not produce strong people, but rather immune-deficient ones, who fall at the first cold when the one shielding them from harm is absent!
The question we are often too afraid to ask is: Why do we protect so excessively? The easy answer is love. The harder answer is that protection gives the protector something they cannot do without: they need to feel essential. Every time they solve someone else’s problem, they confirm their irreplaceable place in another’s life. When those they protect begin to grow, feel mature, and become independent, the protector does not rejoice as expected; instead, they feel something akin to being fired from a job they thought was permanent, without leave or retirement. They return to create a new need, even if by exaggerating a minor danger, just to remain relevant!
The major problem lies in the price paid by the protected, who does not know how to complain about it. They live in safety, lacking nothing except self-confidence, for they have never tested themselves. They do not know if they can survive a problem because they have never been left alone. They may feel gratitude and suffocation simultaneously, carrying a hidden guilt for wanting to distance themselves from the one who gave them everything. They remain silent, their age increases... but they do not grow!
What makes matters worse is that the line between necessary protection and harmful control is very thin. A father who lets his son make mistakes may seem neglectful, while one who prevents mistakes may seem affectionate. The difference may not appear until years later, when the son stands before his life alone, without the one who used to call on his behalf or pay for his errors. Only then does it become clear who was preparing him for this day, and who was postponing it!
We are not calling on anyone to stop protecting those they love. The world is harsh, and having someone stand by your side is a blessing known only to those who have lost it. But true protection has one goal, from which it does not deviate: to become unnecessary one day. The most authentic thing a protector can do is to work silently toward being no longer needed, rather than being needed more. Success in this role is measured solely by the extent of your disappearance from the scene, not by your presence in it! So be, my friend, like the shadow that shields people from the sun’s heat... but does not deprive them of its light!
Dr. Sulaiman Al-Khudairi
