No Flattery: Ugly Praise

Praise and flattery bring joy and foster affection; they are a positive state that reveals the gentleness and goodness of the one who praises. By contrast, criticism is marked by harshness and ferocity, focusing on negatives, causing embarrassment, inflicting hurt, and expressing contempt.

Although the two approaches are entirely different, both occupy opposite ends of the spectrum, yet confusion between them can arise in conversations and situations. This mismatched, discordant confusion is dominated by criticism and breeds a sense of irritation.

You cannot say to a bald person, “You were handsome when you had hair! Why don’t you get a transplant? Believe me, your appearance would be attractive.” Is this praise or criticism? It is praise with certain conditions; without meeting them, you move from being praised to being criticized. You cannot tell a woman that she would look more beautiful if she lost or gained weight, while justifying that her current state is destroying her health and distorting her features. In this distorted context, the intended meaning and purpose are lost. Should the recipient be expected to meet the speaker’s “conditions” to earn genuine praise and approval? This clotted mixture of appreciation and belittlement, of praise and disparagement, is a very absurd expression with no value. It is neither encouragement nor benefit; it appears as a blunt response to an unasked question, an imposition of opinion and action. The speaker may believe their words demonstrate understanding and boldness, or care and advice, and consider their ideas excellent, while showing no regard for the other person’s circumstances, their personal views on what is appropriate or preferable, or their feelings about such evaluative comments.

There are always justifications and defenses that excuse such behaviors as participation, suggestions, love, and concern. It would be more appropriate to direct this confident impulsiveness toward issues touching on ethics and social etiquette, while observing style, timing, tact, and refinement, in ways that elevate noble character traits and human values.